If you haven’t yet checked out ChatRoulette, you’re missing out on the newest craze among teens and creepy perverts across the globe. Already it has made semi-famous a dude named Merton, a Ben Folds look/sound-a-like who improvs piano songs to his randomly-selected chat partners. Could Chat Roulette is the new YouTube? It does come complete with misspelled, caps lock fueled words and chubby teenagers who somehow got around the parental controls on their parents’ computer… so…

However, a warning to all new ChatRoulette users. The types of people you will encounter on the unpoliced webcam site are VAST. And by vast, I mean there are really only 5 things you’ll encounter. Let’s start at number 5, shall we?

5) Teenage girls

I’m not exactly sure what these girls are looking for on ChatRoulette. Some handsome boy from France who wants to make them a princess in their countryside estate? That girl from math class who’s really popular? A penis? Who knows. It’s been almost a decade, and I’ve forgotten the stupid things teenage girls like, except for Doritos and Mountain Dew for lunch.

4) Teenage boys

Not the cute ones, either; it’s always the greasy haired goths and pasty emo dudes that show up on ChatRoulette, and the glare of their computer screen just AMPLIFIES their acne.  It makes you remember how absolutely repulsive teenage boys are, and you can practically smell their Axe-coated stench through your speakers. Ugh.

3) Someone’s dumb pet

Oh, HAHA, CAT RHYMES WITH CHAT SO IT’S LIKE CAT ROULETTE HAHAH. Stupid.

2) A hot girl

Just kidding.

1) Penis. Lots and lots and lots of penis.

I don’t know about you, but seeing the disturbingly vivid neon-lit silhouette of throbbing male genitalia is about the most unappealing thing I’ve ever heard of. Where the desire to whip out your schlong onto your keyboard comes from, I don’t know, because there is about a 57% probability that you’ll only encounter someone else’s schlong, and then your schlongs will, for all intents and purposes, be staring at each other like two battling snakes.

Let it be known: You WILL see penis on ChatRoulette.