Important news everyone! The Kama Sutra is now an audio book! Finally! No more feeling embarrassed bringing out your worn copy at the local deli while eating your meatball sub, no more frightening children at the bus stop by describing what “Angry Scorpion” pose looks like, no more dropping it from your purse during church! Listen to the Hindu lessons on obtaining sexual bliss via the discretion of your own iPod, just like you always wanted.

After hearing this news, I realized that as an adult woman, I don’t know much about the Kama Sutra, and considering the magazine Cosmopolitan exists, and 90% of that magazine is giving women stupid sex advice using the book as reference (pretty sure most guys don’t want you biting their scrotums) , I should know more. So I hit the library (went to Wikipedia), researched a bunch (skimmed the page), and learned a lot (giggled at the pictures). Now, I will pass on some little known info to you!

1) Did you know that “sutra” comes from the same root word that the English “suture” comes from?

That’s right! Kama means sensual or sexual, and Sutra translates to “thread” or “string of aphorisms” (AKA a rule, line, or formula). Apparently it doesn’t mean “book of positions” or “let’s get it on” or “that’s the wrong hole but let’s go with it,” unlike what that kid in 5th grade told me.

2) The Kama Sutra isn’t about Tantric Sex

I tried to look up tantric sex at the library (again, Wikipedia) but unfortunately couldn’t find anything (got bored), but did learn that while the misconception is often there, the Kama Sutra is not about the practice of tantric sex. So… you know. For all of you people into the creepy tantric stuff. This ain’t your manual.

3) It was written by a sacred bull.

Fact: The Kama Sutra was transcribed by Nandi, the sacred bull and doorkeeper of the god Shiva, when he over heard the lovemaking of the god and his wife Parvati. No wonder literature these days is such crap. Maybe if we had holy sacred cow bouncers writing our books we wouldn’t be stuck with s*** like Twilight.

4) The Kama Sutra is not just about sex

Nope, it also includes chapters on making money, priorities of life, obtainment of knowledge, and “conduct of the well-bred townsman.” Which I think includes “not trying to predict the end of every movie, I swear to Shiva I will slap you in your mouth if you don’t shut up.” I think.

5) Nandi is the OG Pick Up Artist

Although I’m sure the sacred bull didn’t wear fuzzy, animal-printed boas and poofy hats and didn’t go by the oh-so-douchey nickname “Mystery,” there is a portion of the transcript dedicated to teaching men how to woo women. I don’t know about you but I’d trust a animal-god-bodyguard more than a skinny white dude who still rocks the flavor-saver any day.

Another day, another lesson. I’m always intrigued by how much knowledge can be acquired when you have the gutter-mind of a 12 year old boy. Your homework: download the audio book. Read chapters 1 – 5, and practice, practice, practice! Or just laugh at the pictures, because OH MY GOD WHAT ARE THEY DOOOOOOING????