If my Googling is correct (I don’t do math), Sunday marks the 234th Independence Day of our nation. We broke free from the shackles of unfair taxation and fancy-pants accents and said, NO THANK YOU to the letter U getting all up in certain words.

That was 1776, a time of wooden teeth and pooping in gutters. Fast forward to 2010, and this day is a time for busting out your NASCAR tees and drinking American beer and eating hot dogs and hamburgers because nothing says I LOVE AMERICA like pureed farm animal. Scrambling to find last minute plans for this Sunday? Don’t worry, there are only 5 things you need to ensure a flawless, patriotic Fourth of JOO-LY.

1) Meat

Sorry vegetarians, this isn’t your day. I can’t emphasize this enough: Your Fourth of July must include either hamburgers, hot dogs, ribs, steaks, or chicken (worst case scenario), OR a combination of all of them (Slim Jim Jumbo Pak). If you spend this Sunday eating lettuce and tofu, you are legally banned from America. It says it in The Constitution. Also, looking for that in the Constitution gets you double-banned.

2) Sun/no rain/definitely not hurricanes

Sorry Gulf Coast HAHAHAHA! (Just kidding. Good luck with that.)

3) As many American flags as you can fit on your person

If you can get your hands on a pin that says “Licensed Terrorist Hunter,” double points. Also, if anyone at your party shows up in a color that is not red, white, or blue, punch them in the throat. This is the Fourth of July, and it’s only one of 365 days in the year that you can express your American patriotism all over everyone’s faces.

4) Beer

And I ain’t talkin’ bout no Yer-oh-peen beer or Mex-ee-kan beer, I want only AMERICAN beer, which means Bud (ignoring, of course, the fact that Anheuser-Busch was bought out by the German EnDev company, that’s all just jibber jabber) or if you’re one of them there dirty hippie suckers, a Sierra Nevada.

5) A kick-ass American playlist

Preferably played off an early 90s tape deck, you must include a song that has harmonica, a song that talks about a pick up truck, and at least three Neil Diamond tracks.

There you have it.

The requirements to have a kick-ass patriotic 4th of July party. You’ll notice I never said friends, because you never know if your friends are secretly working for the Taliban or Al Qaeda or PETA or something. Perhaps I should add wiretaps and security cameras to this list…

Happy Fourth of July, Americans!