Valentine’s Day: a holiday created to guilt people into buying overpriced gifts for each other in the heart of winter when everyone’s in a bad mood and no one has money – WHAT A GREAT IDEA! Just kidding. Let’s all languish in our cynicism and discuss the reasons that Valentine’s Day sucks, shall we?

1. Restaurants are busy and over-priced

Just as any seasoned eater knows not to go out to eat on a Friday or Saturday night, so too they know not to go out to dinner on Valentine’s Day. Valentine’s Day is a cesspool of young, impressionable couples and bitter, miserable married couples. If you want to celebrate the joy of love, go a day early or a week later: any time that’s NOT the dreaded holiday from hell.

2. Valentine’s Day is commercialism at its worst

Worse than Christmas or birthdays or any other day, Valentine’s Day is a makes people buy things to show they “care”. Any holiday that tells you you’re a bad lover for not buying your significant other a blood diamond or a bouquet of flowers that will die in 3 days is not a holiday worth celebrating.

4. February is a terrible in general

There is a reason this month only has 28 days. No one likes February!

4. You shouldn’t need an excuse to celebrate love

Sure, we make jokes about marriages being a sham, and long term relationships being boring, but honestly, were not THAT cynical… we just believe that people should be allowed to love who and whenever they want without societal pressures to put a ring on it. And we believe that the corporate-ization of holidays has really made them lose value while simultaneously jacking up their price.

On Monday, when Americans are coupling up and buying presents and just praying for the possibility of 30 seconds of coitus, we protest by havin’ a fun, casual booty call – no dinner, no flowers, just booty.