1. The Depressed Shot-

I know, I know. Your life is hard. What with your trust fund, huge condo, and new Macbook (which is taking this photo), it’s a wonder you don’t just off yourself. Take the black and white setting off, move those tentacles you call bangs out of the way, and smile, Sylvia Plath.

2. The Headshot-

Whoa, I’m sorry, I thought I was on Facebook. Obviously I accidently stumbled upon your agency’s promotional site. Otherwise there would be no excuse for your freckles being airbrushed, that fake wind thing, and your demonic eyes staring into my soul.

3. Your Baby-

Children are a miracle, sure, but what’s really a miracle is how you somehow replaced every profile picture with that of a giggling infant. Either some time-space continuum thing just happened and you are now 6 months old, or you’re just being obnoxious. I shall guess the latter.

4. Your Kissing Shot-

Your multiple “I’m in love” status updates weren’t enough, huh? You had to post that picture of you and Mr. This Week swapping spit and who-knows-what-else as your main picture? Well thanks, I just vomited on my keyboard.

5. Your Group Shot-

I am on your page to stalk YOU, okay? Having to play Where’s Waldo with your 85 frat brothers isn’t the goal…Oh wait, is that you? The forehead down there holding the handle of vodka? Well. I guess we’re done then.

images and story at guyism.com